Constant Conflict? Ways to Understand and Move Through Conflict in Relationships

By Michelle Koobs, MSW, RSW

Whether we keep having the same fight with our partner, or are chronically arguing with our sibling, or stuck in a cycle of not talking about anything real with people who matter to us, conflict is one of the biggest reasons people seek help for their relationship. Conflict and how we navigate it is also one of the biggest indicators of the health of our relationships. 

Conflict Styles:

One of the keys to understanding conflict is recognizing our conflict system and how they match (or mismatch) our partners and loved ones.  The three primary styles are below and are shaped by the environment we grew up in, our own temperament, and model of conflict we have witnessed (Gottman & Gottman, 2024). 

The Avoider:

Typically, someone who is very uncomfortable with conflict, may be happy to avoid areas of conflict rather than having confrontation and often happy to agree to disagree about conflictual issues.  Couples can often be happy if both are matched in this conflict style but can also lead to living siloed lives and/or resentment over lack of connection.  If only one partner is avoidant, they may often feel uncomfortable with working through conflict and avoid asserting their feelings in order to make peace. 

The Validator:

This may be someone who calmly tries to understand and work on a solution to a problem.  Validators can often be successful at working through problems, however, can sometimes push towards problem solving too quickly without taking time to understand the underlying feelings on the issue.  If only one partner is a validator, they may become frustrated that their avoidant partner isn’t willing to fully explore a solution/discuss the problem or feel they have to be overly flexible/compromising if their partner is more volatile. 

The Volatile:

This is someone who enjoys passionate disagreements, who thrive on debating, and is comfortable with intense feelings during conflict. They are comfortable trying to persuade their partner of their viewpoint and may have a volatile conflict style.  When matched with another volatile style partner or when there is an understanding of conflict style difference with their partner there can be a lot of passion and joy in the relationship.  When matched with another style they may feel judged or villainized at times by their partner’s discomfort with their approach to conflict. 

Tips for Moving Through Conflict:

Introduce an area of conflict in a gentle way

Take time to calm yourself before getting into an area of conflict and avoid starting with criticism.  Instead start by sharing your feelings by using ‘I feel’ statements.

Avoid piling on

Talk about the one issue currently occurring rather than bring up every example you can think of your partner doing the thing that annoys you or sets you off.  Avoid generalizing statements like ‘you always’ or ‘you never’.  

Take breaks when you get overwhelmed

When our brains are flooded with cortisol, we can’t effectively express our own feelings or understand the other person’s views.  Essentially, we end up in flight, fight, or freeze.  We need to take breaks to allow our brains to reset and effectively work through the issue with the other person. 

Slow Down

Take time to explore what is going on under the surface of the presenting issue, what feelings or events from our past, and what values are colliding to potentially make this conflict worse. 

Seek help from a trusted professional 

When there are mismatched conflict styles or habitual conflicts occurring, we can often feel stuck or like our relationship is doomed.  The reality is we need to exercise new muscles and learn new skills and a professional can support in guiding us through that work.  

Conflict is a part of being human. It’s how we handle that conflict that makes all the difference for us and the relationship. The more we understand our own style and the patterns at play in our relationships, the more space we create for empathy, clarity, and even laughter in hard moments. With a little curiosity, a lot of patience, and sometimes the guidance of a professional, we can turn conflict from something we dread into something that strengthens our connection.

References:

Gottman, J. S., & Gottman, J. M. (2024). Fight right: how successful couples turn conflict into connection. First edition. Harmony.